Help to Others

It's drawing on three years since the inflicted infidelity by my ex-husband, and the wound on my psyche appears to be healing. With every fiber of my being, I wish I had not experienced that pain, or even now, experience the ghost of that pain. But, with every fiber of my being, I am thankful for that pain, because through it, I have found I can help others who are experiencing similar situations and pain.

What I can say to those who are going through similar situations, is that one day you will look back and see that you have grown, you have matured, and that each day gets just a little bit easier. You may not see this when you are in the moment, I know I certainly did not, but here, almost three years later I can see the changes in me.

I am here to tell you, cry if you feel like it. Don't hold back. Scream & throw a fit, preferably in the privacy of your own home. But, don't call, text, or email the cheating fool. That person is a fool and it will only make you feel worse. If you want to call, text, or email, write a letter to that person, but don't send it.

Save it, because, what you really needed to do was just get those feelings and emotions out of your system. Remember, confronting that cheating fool bastard is only going to hurt you more in the end, because that cheating fool bastard doesn't care how much they hurt you, or even that they hurt you.

Now, having said all that, I still have my bad days. I still get angry. I still struggle with bitterness. But the bad days and the anger and the bitterness are occurring less often, and when they do occur, it is less severe.

My Aunt, who recently loss her husband of 35 years (my closest/favorite Uncle), spoke words of wisdom to me about Anger. I have taken what she said and applied it to these types of situations.

When you are angry at that cheating fool bastard, remind yourself that you are wasting energy being angry, because that cheating fool bastard doesn't know you are angry at him. And, even if he did, he doesn't care. So, let it go, let that anger go out of you. Breathe in peace & healing deep into your body and soul; breathe out the pain and anger. Repeat as necessary. Don't waste that energy on somebody who is not worthy.

Finally, remember this, you are a precious, beautiful, wonderful person who deserves the best your life has to offer. You don't need that cheating fool bastard. So be it.

A Poem for Mare

Back in April 2009, on our 18 month anniversary of dating, my dear Boyfriend Myke gave me this poem

A Poem for Mare

Remember the times and stories of bear
You can admit that it gave you a scare
You fell for me then and noticed my stare
We went for a drink and the smell of the air
Enticed me to chance it, to take my own dare
I asked you to lunch, but that was an err
'Cuz work interfered with plans then and there
So then we rescheduled for e-ven-ing fare
More dates, and gazes and even a glare
Advanced our relations to the top of the stair
Now we're together with love and good care
Some say we make a beautiful pair
You like me to notice the look of your hair
At times you still ask me 'bout what you should wear
Finding a woman like you is rare
Agreeable, cute, charming, and fair
It's something about you whenever you're there
Sometimes I ponder and wonder just where
A wish, a desire and maybe a prayer
Has led me to you and you to my lair
Where talking and such has opened me bare
I am your man and you -- my dear Mare

Durango Healling

Healing came quickly to me today, on this beautiful spring day, May Day (is Lei Day), in Durango, Colorado. Healing from my separation and divorce, for the most part, has come slowly. But as time marches slowly on from when I learned of the ex-husband’s infidelity in January of 2007, healing seems to come to me at a much faster pace.

It is usually difficult for me to return to Durango, CO to visit my adult children. On the one hand, I am excited that I will see the children and their assortment of pets; on the other hand, Durango is where I fled from Denver when I learned of the ex-husband’s infidelity.

I have walked many a mile in this little college resort town crying, yelling (in my head), praying, angry, frustrated, and deeply hurt. I have drunk way too much alcohol in this little town, in an attempt to numb the pain I was feeling. I have made way too many angry phone calls, written too many angry emails, and thought too many angry thoughts in this little town.

Today, as I walked keiki one’s dog on some of the same streets, I felt peace. I was not angry. As the negative thoughts and as the painful thoughts popped into my head, I acknowledged them for what they were, and moved on. Those thoughts did not torment me as they had in the past.

It is refreshing to have this healing; what I have been through, I don’t wish to happen to my worse enemy. By far, it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. But, I would not give up these events, if given a mulligan in this life, for from these experiences. I am a much better, stronger person today, than I was back in January of 2007.

Last night, on Facebook, a friend recorded how she had helped her ex-husband in the days following his surgery. I wrote back to her, on what a good person she was for doing that; if it were I, I would have told the ex-husband, “Sucks to be you…” She wrote back that the mother in her knows that he needed someone to watch over him, that surgery is hard to go through alone.

As I walked keiki one’s dogs along the streets of Durango this morning, as healing rained slowly over my soul, I know that one-day, if similar circumstances arise, through God’s grace, God’s love, God’s forgiveness, and God’s healing I will be able to do for the ex-husband what God asks me to do. Amen.

Hula Reflections

I take hula and Polynesian dance lessons from Kumu Simone of Manea Porinesia in Aurora, Colorado. Kumu Simone has the Aloha Spirit running richly through her Brazillian veins. There are four of us, Manea Moms, and I have been taking lessons from Kumu Simone since November 2008. Wednesday evenings find me at Kumu Simone's basement, sweating like a race horse, drinking 24 oz. of water, aching muscles, and wondering why Kumu Simone hates me.

I took hula and Polynesian dance lessons as a small child. I don't remember what ages I took lessons, or for how long(maybe five years); neither does my mother, as this would have been about 40 years ago. Having taken lessons as a child makes lessons now a little easier. Marginally, easier as these old hips scream at me every week. Each week, my hips scream a little less, but an old knee injury has resurfaced, not good.

Tonight, Kumu Simone dropped a bombshell on us Manea Moms. She announced that she would like us to perform at the Parker Festival on 13 June 2009. The room was deathly still, I think we were all shell shocked. I know I don't feel ready, but Kumu Simone is a hard task master. If she didn't think we would be ready, she wouldn't have us performing so soon. We knew we would be performing in July at the Dragon Boat Festival, but now we are performing a whole month sooner.

What this means to us, is that the lessons will get harder and probably go even longer. I no longer glance at the clock; Kumu Simone simply makes us work harder. I am scared silly, but I know the show must go on. Come 13 June 2009, we will smile, we will dance, and we will shine as Manea Moms in our debut show at Parker Festival.